... I keep my eyes wide open all the time...

Did you ever seen "Walk the line"? I saw that film and I fall in love. I knew Johny Cash before and I wanted to see this film a lot!
So I saw that film, and I like it very much! I love Johny and I love Joaquin Phoenix.

So, I dont want to talk here about this film, because you could found a lot of interested things on internet.

Haa, so what about I want to talk? I dont know exactly. LOL.

So what was happened yesterday? My mother came to my room, and saw the photos of mine. And she told me: you are so happy if you are so slim. I dont like your photos, because you are so slim at your photos. I can not understand her. I dont want to look the slimmest on my photos! The reason of my photos is different. And she was bad to me. She can not understand me.
I am not feel slim. I am feel fat. I hate my body!
I am so depressed from it. I hate myself. I am dont want to be fasionable. But I just want to be normal. And now, I am not normal. I am so ugly.

Am I good or bad?
So, sometimes I feel myself as a bad girl. And sometimes I am little scared girl who wants to just a hug.

Please, hug me..
Save me from that strange word.

...I was small enough to cry...

Yes, that was quite my day. I was cry this day. I was cry all last week a lot. I was very sad. Sad of my life. Who I am? What I do here? Where I am from? Can I live here? Is this my century? Is this my real world?

Hm, I am quite sad from this world. Everything goes too fast. So, you must be faster to. But I dont want to.
I dont fit in this world. That is quite sad.

I dont taste this world. I dont taste food, drink, people and so on from this strange world.

Could I do here what I everytime wanted to do?
I dont think so. So that is really sad.

Or am I just dreaming? If yes, I want to wake me up!
Or is life just a tram? If yes, I want to get out!

Are you living just for eating, or are you eating just for living? What is your answer?
I think, that food just mess your body. I think that people could be without food, and can live.
I will explain it better: Two years ago I was without food for three days.. And I was feel much better than with messing food!! One of my friend was without food for 8 days!!! Dangerous? Yes, it may be.. She told me, that felt very bad.. That is true.. She felt very bad. But she told me, that she felt better than with food.

So, I am still dont explain what does I mean. I mean life without food. Is that type of disorder? Yes it is. But what I could feel without food? I felt very weak.. But not like slim. I felt like in another world. Very special feelings. Pain in stomach. Head ache. Feeling sleepy.. Yes.. But I felt very different. Could see something special. Could hear something special. But can not explain it..

So, I had sleep less marathon.. about 41 hours without sleep.. how did I feel??

So, I woke up at 6am and went to school.. went back to home at 3pm.. then I must done my homework.. I sat at my comuter and do my homework. I talked with some friends. 8pm still dont have finished my homework.. I must work on! 10pm i was feel quite sleepy. but I must finish my homework! 12pm I feel better. Didnt feel sleepy. 2am I am so OK! 4am feel so fresh! 6am oh no! I must run on the train! my school began at 7:50am. I felt very very fresh in my school! Oh no, what was happened? I felt in sleep!! Voice in my head!! He told me "Take my shirt" LOOOL auditory hallucination!!! In the afternoon I went to my boyfriend. We were going to watch ice-hockey. I dont know who wins here!! I fall asleep again. But that is ok.. I fall definitly in sleep at 11pm..

So, that was my extrems... haha

Do you have your own voice in your head? Do you things that everybody who has a voice in his head is a fool, and he must be dangerous for other people? I dont think so. Of course, there can be some dangerous people with this disorder, but a lot of people with this disorder are not dangerous for the other people.

Is your own voice your friend? Or do you have words with him? Do you love him? Do him love you? Or do you hate him and he hate you? Is your voice man, or woman, boy or girl? Is he a part of you, or is he an alien in your own body? When did he born? The same day as you?

For example: My own head-voice was born when I was very young girl. He hates me. Because I was the worst. He told me that I am just loser and nothing more. Sometimes he wants to kill me. I have no friends - everybody makes me fool.

So I was very sad, and sometimes i thinks that death is the only very best way. But I realize that my mother will crying and maybe she will miss me.. So, i am still here. But anyway, sometimes I hurt myself by something. Beat my head by the wall, beat my arms by the table ...

I wanted to die.. because I hate myself...

Hello everybody,

wellcome to my livejournal. I hope, you will like it. I am so sorry for my very bad english :)

I decided to make my livejournal, because I saw - a lot of people have their livejournal. LOL. So, me too, now.

I dont know what I will write here, but I will thinking about it.

I hope, that I won't forgot it here. LOL


So, welcome to my world..